She began to walk through the dark and spooky forest when a four-legged, hairy wolf approached her. He tip-toed to her violently and growled, “What a tasty cake you have there!” Little Red replied “Not for you, it’s for my very sick Grandma who is waiting for me now at her house. So beat it you cruel nasty wolf.” She continued her journey until she finally reached her destination…
The wolf paced through the forest like Usain bolt. Finally he found Little Red’s Grandma’s house. When he looked up, he saw Little Red’s Grandma holding a gun, she put her finger on the trigger and with a snigger BAM, BAM, BAM the wolf was dead [or so they thought.] She heard Little Red shouting, Gran noticed that it was coming from the wolf’s belly.
Good use of onomatopoeia. However, when you are using brackets make sure the full stop is on the outside. "Usain Bolt," is a name so make sure the forename and surname both start with capital letters. I like the use of short sentences, they build up suspence. Well done.
Once upon a time there lived a boy named Jack. He lived with his mother, they had no money or food. Jacks father crossed the river eight years ago, when Jack was only two years old. With no one to support Jacks mother they urgently need money.
The following day the queen asked the fairy tale owners to order the swiftest person they knew. The swiftest person was Peter Pan. They shouted in laughter, they said, “He can’t do anything he’s just a kid” They replied “But he’s still smart don’t judge him by his size” Peter Pan overheard and shrieked “Why are you talking about me” They all said “Because we need you for a job”
‘’Fe Fi Foe Thumb I smell the blood of an English man Be him alive Be him dead I’ll ground his bones to make my bread.’’ The thought hit him he was English and he was about to be eaten that was when….
Well done Nana you really engaged the reader just reading one paragraph I knew what story you write. I also liked were you used ellipsis it creates reall suspense.
I really like the way you made up your own poem and you made it sound like the giant is fears and angry I think you can improve it by saying how jack is feeling and scared like this maybe " Fe fi foe thumb i smell a blood of a English man be him alive be him dead i'll ground his bones to make my bread" said the giant " Ahh what am i going to do help me please"said jack
Little red was ignorant towards her mother’s advice, she decided to take a risk, the short way. As she was picking fruits from the trees she heard a peculiar, baffling clamour .She turned around and saw a snarling beast with saliva dripping down his jaw...
Well done you've really described the beast and how nasty he could be I think you can improve it by instead of fruits you can put cakes because nobody can smell fruits you can only smell cakes and pies
I really like the way you used short sentences like when you said she decided to take a risk,the short way it makes it interesting and builds up tension. Also try and remember we are reading this to year 2 do you think they will understand the meaning of peculiar,baffling and clamor ?
The next morning, she and the wolf stood by both Hansel and Gretel beds, In a second the wolf and the witch grabbed Hansel by the neck and threw him in the cage and LOCKED the door shut. They went back for Gretel and threatened her and told her if she don’t do the witches chorus her and her fat brother would be cut into pieces and eat them. Gretel had no choice but to do it. “You would do as I say do you understand me,” roared the witch “Yes ma,” said Gretel “You would cook for your brother and make him fat,” shrieked the witch “Yes ma,” said Gretel “Go and cook for him I’m hungry,” screeched the witch
Then seven little mysterious figures appeared from the trees. Little Red Riding Hood was petrified but the figures calmly said, “Don’t worry, we won’t hurt you.” “We just need help finding our home. Little Red Riding Hood replied. “But I don’t know you, who are you?” Then the seven figures said,” We are the seven dwarfs.” Then Little Red Riding Hood replied,” I’m Little Red Riding Hood, could you help me get to my grandma’s house, then I will help you. So the dwarfs agreed to help her. Then she felt the dark presence again, like it’s getting closer, then a massive wolf jumped from the bushes, it then growled, ” IM SO HUNGRY “Now they needed help…
Slowly, Gretel approached the door. Shivers ran down her spine. A boost of courageousness filled her and she stepped into the room. A little imp told her in a croaky voice, “What are you doing here, and who are you?” “My name is Gretel, the witch brought me into her house and imprisoned my brother and I need a way to open that cage, is there any possible way you could help me?”
Every time stepmother would go out or was away from them, the stepsisters would treat Cinderella like a slave. They would make her give them breakfast in bed and clean the chimney. And when she was finished they would ask her to do their chores while they have lunch. Poor Cinderella didn’t get any breakfast or lunch or dinner!!!
Hansel and Gretel had been waiting for a long time now. “What if they don’t return!” Gretel cried and then burst into tears. “Don’t cry Gretel,” Hansel said, “I know! Why don’t we try to search for them!” “But stepmother told us to stay where we are.” But Hansel had already started searching. Hansel gasped “LOOK WHAT I FOUND GRETEL! Gretel rushed to see what was so amazing. They both couldn’t believe what they were looking at. It was a house but made of chocolate fudge cake! Their mouths started to water as they stared at the beautiful sculpture. They couldn’t resist the scent of it wafting in the air so, they ran up to it and started nibbling off pieces. Out of the chocolaty house burst out a ginormous beast. “WHOSE BEEN NIBBLING AT MY HOUSE?” shouted the creature. Hansel and Gretel jumped in fright
I really like your story its really intresting remember to try and use short sentences to catch the readers attention for example instead of saying Gretel cried and then burst into tears cried and burst into tears is kinda of the same thing so you could say Gretel burst into tears
Once upon a time there was a small house at the edge of the forest. There lived three bears, Great Bear who was the father, Middle Bear who was the mother and Small Bear who was the child. In the forest there was a wolf who was very evil and wasn’t very kind to the bears. This wolf did not only eat bears, but he even ate Grandmothers! Wondering in the forest there was a young girl called Goldilocks, She looked innocent, and so sweet, however she was not because she liked to eat other people’s food and leave them hungry.
Well done I really like your story but to improve it Use some descriptive language towards the characters for example, the wolf was a very tongue hungry creature which drizzles all over the floor which leaves a slime like road.
As the scary looking bears came a few more meters to them. Immediately the bears stilled Goldilocks fruits and ran away. The revenge began while her mother was gone to chase the bears. Suddenly Goldilocks found their house. On the doorknob it showed the picture of the same three bears. For a minute Goldilocks was puzzled and all over their house there was skeleton masks, she thought it was Halloween. So she knocked on the door. “Hello who’s there?”
Finally the beast set his plan into action. He ordered Gretel to get into his biggest pot but Gretel said “I don’t know how.” This was part of secret plan. “DUMB CHILD!” shouted the beast. “Maybe if you showed me how, I might learn how to.” Responded Gretel. “Okay, fine,” Said the beast angrily. He bravely stepped closer and closer to the oven. Gretel gave him a mighty push and he fell into the sizzling hot oven! She stole the key to Hansel’s cage and freed him. As they were running they tripped over a dozen of diamonds and couldn’t resist taking a few.
Luckily, they found their way home straight away and Jack and Jill were waiting at the window. They ran as fast as they could and gave them a ginormous hug. Just as Jack was about to speak his phone rang, beep buzz beep “Hi you have just won the one million pounds lottery!!!” The whole family was so happy they had a party. And this is how my story ends. What do you think the moral is?
Peter Pan was racing through and pushing pirates in the sea. However when it came to battle was one Peter Pan never had before. It was so fierce it went for hours and hour and hours but, Peter Pan didn’t give up. Because the battle has been going on for so long Peter Pan had 1% of his strength left but in seconds to go he defeated Captain Hook by chopping his hand off. Captain Hook had now two Hooks for hands. Before anyone saw Peter Pan took the damsel in distress.
These events escalated until one day Hansel and Gretel had had enough. They were constantly asked to do life threatening jobs. Gretel had gotten so ill she could barely walk, Hansel’s heart broke to his sister in this way. Night was getting nearer and nearer. Hansel lay beside Gretel watching her breathing escalate fiercely. “We can’t carry on like this!” Hansel said, looking in the air as if he was looking to grab onto something, maybe hope.
As soon as Little Red Riding Hood was a few inches away from the wolf she shot him… right on the forehead. That caused brain damage so he in the last beat of her heart. The huntsman heard gun shots and became worried, he then started to follow where the gun shots were coming from.
Ten minutes later… He finally arrived at the small cottage and unlocked the door, he then asked the unknown girl a few questions, then carried the vast wolf and dumped him in the river. Meanwhile Little Red Riding Hood rapidly sprinted to tell her mum the update!
The granny quickly and craftily tore off the rope and grabbed the deadly sabre “this is for you, you evil creature and at once she killed the tiger. The scarlet blood dispersed out of the tiger freeing little black.
my favourite story is the elves and the shoemaker . once upon a time, there was an old man and woman they lived in a house that was also a shoe shop . but , one day they out of leather a , with a hole load of people shouting , WHERES THE SHOES . So now they went to sleep one day then woke up and saw 9 pairs of new shoes they saw the same thing everyday but then the old man started to think , who could be doing they woke up ...BANG, they see elves on 8 of them caught on camera
My favourite bit of my favourite fairly tale ( maleficent) was when mal decided to become God and take care of Aurora and why I like this is because it shows you that even when you are known as a naturally evil person you can have a change of heart and become good again and change your reputation!
She began to walk through the dark and spooky forest when a four-legged, hairy wolf approached her. He tip-toed to her violently and growled, “What a tasty cake you have there!” Little Red replied “Not for you, it’s for my very sick Grandma who is waiting for me now at her house. So beat it you cruel nasty wolf.” She continued her journey until she finally reached her destination…
ReplyDeleteI really like your descriptive language, but remember to start a new line for new speech.
DeleteThe wolf paced through the forest like Usain bolt. Finally he found Little Red’s Grandma’s house. When he looked up, he saw Little Red’s Grandma holding a gun, she put her finger on the trigger and with a snigger BAM, BAM, BAM the wolf was dead [or so they thought.] She heard Little Red shouting, Gran noticed that it was coming from the wolf’s belly.
ReplyDeleteI really liked how you said the wolf paved through the forest like Usain Bolt because it helps the reader understand how fast the wolf was running.
DeleteGood use of onomatopoeia. However, when you are using brackets make sure the full stop is on the outside. "Usain Bolt," is a name so make sure the forename and surname both start with capital letters. I like the use of short sentences, they build up suspence. Well done.
DeleteOnce upon a time there lived a boy named Jack. He lived with his mother, they had no money or food. Jacks father crossed the river eight years ago, when Jack was only two years old. With no one to support Jacks mother they urgently need money.
ReplyDeleteTry to add more to make this paragraph work as you've talked about his dad but you did not elaborate on that point.
DeleteWhy did Jacks dad cross the river also in the last sentence you need a comma
DeleteThe following day the queen asked the fairy tale owners to order the swiftest person they knew. The swiftest person was Peter Pan. They shouted in laughter, they said, “He can’t do anything he’s just a kid” They replied “But he’s still smart don’t judge him by his size” Peter Pan overheard and shrieked “Why are you talking about me” They all said “Because we need you for a job”
ReplyDelete‘’Fe Fi Foe Thumb
ReplyDeleteI smell the blood of an English man
Be him alive
Be him dead
I’ll ground his bones to make my bread.’’
The thought hit him he was English and he was about to be eaten that was when….
Well done Nana you really engaged the reader just reading one paragraph I knew what story you write. I also liked were you used ellipsis it creates reall suspense.
DeleteI really like the way you made up your own poem and you made it sound like the giant is fears and angry I think you can improve it by saying how jack is feeling and scared like this maybe " Fe fi foe thumb i smell a blood of a English man be him alive be him dead i'll ground his bones to make my bread" said the giant
Delete" Ahh what am i going to do help me please"said jack
Nana, I really like your use of vocab, but I think you could have changed up the the "Fe Fi Fo Thumb" rhyme.
DeleteLittle red was ignorant towards her mother’s advice, she decided to take a risk, the short way. As she was picking fruits from the trees she heard a peculiar, baffling clamour .She turned around and saw a snarling beast with saliva dripping down his jaw...
ReplyDeleteI liked how you described the beast, you said a snarling beast with saliva dripping down his jaw.
DeleteNext time write more as I wanted to read more!!!
Well done you've really described the beast and how nasty he could be I think you can improve it by instead of fruits you can put cakes because nobody can smell fruits you can only smell cakes and pies
DeleteI really like the way you used short sentences like when you said she decided to take a risk,the short way it makes it interesting and builds up tension.
DeleteAlso try and remember we are reading this to year 2 do you think they will understand the meaning of peculiar,baffling and clamor ?
The next morning, she and the wolf stood by both Hansel and Gretel beds,
ReplyDeleteIn a second the wolf and the witch grabbed Hansel by the neck and threw him in the cage and LOCKED the door shut. They went back for Gretel and threatened her and told her if she don’t do the witches chorus her and her fat brother would be cut into pieces and eat them.
Gretel had no choice but to do it.
“You would do as I say do you understand me,” roared the witch
“Yes ma,” said Gretel
“You would cook for your brother and make him fat,” shrieked the witch
“Yes ma,” said Gretel
“Go and cook for him I’m hungry,” screeched the witch
I like how you didn't just write said the witch, you wrote roared the witch.
DeleteYou can improve it by adding more descriptive language.
Well done Adeline you've used good punctuation but some sentences don't make sence.
DeleteI like the way you used interesting words Isra and the punctuation that Tyrese has used.
ReplyDeleteThen seven little mysterious figures appeared from the trees. Little Red Riding Hood was petrified but the figures calmly said, “Don’t worry, we won’t hurt you.” “We just need help finding our home. Little Red Riding Hood replied.
ReplyDelete“But I don’t know you, who are you?”
Then the seven figures said,” We are the seven dwarfs.”
Then Little Red Riding Hood replied,” I’m Little Red Riding Hood, could you help me get to my grandma’s house, then I will help you. So the dwarfs agreed to help her. Then she felt the dark presence again, like it’s getting closer, then a massive wolf jumped from the bushes, it then growled,
” IM SO HUNGRY “Now they needed help…
Well done Aaron you used great speech. Next time try to use more descriptive language.
DeleteI like the way you have described the seven figures as little and mysterious, but try not to use the word then a lot as it is repetitive
DeleteTyrese I like how you have used the elipcise to engage the reader, and make them wonder what is going to happen next.
ReplyDeleteSlowly, Gretel approached the door. Shivers ran down her spine. A boost of courageousness filled her and she stepped into the room. A little imp told her in a croaky voice, “What are you doing here, and who are you?” “My name is Gretel, the witch brought me into her house and imprisoned my brother and I need a way to open that cage, is there any possible way you could help me?”
ReplyDeleteI like the way you used descriptive language
DeleteExcellent work! you used descriptive language, punctuation and inverted commas.
DeleteEvery time stepmother would go out or was away from them, the stepsisters would treat Cinderella like a slave. They would make her give them breakfast in bed and clean the chimney. And when she was finished they would ask her to do their chores while they have lunch. Poor Cinderella didn’t get any breakfast or lunch or dinner!!!
ReplyDeleteHansel and Gretel had been waiting for a long time now.
ReplyDelete“What if they don’t return!” Gretel cried and then burst into tears.
“Don’t cry Gretel,” Hansel said, “I know! Why don’t we try to search for them!”
“But stepmother told us to stay where we are.” But Hansel had already started searching. Hansel gasped
“LOOK WHAT I FOUND GRETEL! Gretel rushed to see what was so amazing.
They both couldn’t believe what they were looking at. It was a house but made of chocolate fudge cake!
Their mouths started to water as they stared at the beautiful sculpture. They couldn’t resist the scent of it wafting in the air so, they ran up to it and started nibbling off pieces. Out of the chocolaty house burst out a ginormous beast.
“WHOSE BEEN NIBBLING AT MY HOUSE?” shouted the creature. Hansel and Gretel jumped in fright
I really like how you describe the characters feelings and that makes me feel like if i'm on your story.
DeleteI like the you used bold writing for when the witch was shouting because some people forget
DeleteI really like your story its really intresting
Deleteremember to try and use short sentences to catch the readers attention for example instead of saying Gretel cried and then burst into tears cried and burst into tears is kinda of the same thing so you could say Gretel burst into tears
Once upon a time there was a small house at the edge of the forest. There lived three bears, Great Bear who was the father, Middle Bear who was the mother and Small Bear who was the child. In the forest there was a wolf who was very evil and wasn’t very kind to the bears. This wolf did not only eat bears, but he even ate Grandmothers! Wondering in the forest there was a young girl called Goldilocks, She looked innocent, and so sweet, however she was not because she liked to eat other people’s food and leave them hungry.
ReplyDeleteWell done I really like your story but to improve it Use some descriptive language towards the characters for example, the wolf was a very tongue hungry creature which drizzles all over the floor which leaves a slime like road.
DeleteWell done for adding interesting detail to engage the reader and adding a great twist.
DeleteAs the scary looking bears came a few more meters to them. Immediately the bears stilled Goldilocks fruits and ran away. The revenge began while her mother was gone to chase the bears. Suddenly Goldilocks found their house. On the doorknob it showed the picture of the same three bears. For a minute Goldilocks was puzzled and all over their house there was skeleton masks, she thought it was Halloween. So she knocked on the door. “Hello who’s there?”
ReplyDeleteCheck your spelling as the word "stilled" does not make sense I think you were meant to say "stole."
DeleteFinally the beast set his plan into action. He ordered Gretel to get into his biggest pot but Gretel said “I don’t know how.” This was part of secret plan.
ReplyDelete“DUMB CHILD!” shouted the beast.
“Maybe if you showed me how, I might learn how to.” Responded Gretel.
“Okay, fine,” Said the beast angrily. He bravely stepped closer and closer to the oven. Gretel gave him a mighty push and he fell into the sizzling hot oven! She stole the key to Hansel’s cage and freed him. As they were running they tripped over a dozen of diamonds and couldn’t resist taking a few.
Luckily, they found their way home straight away and Jack and Jill were waiting at the window. They ran as fast as they could and gave them a ginormous hug. Just as Jack was about to speak his phone rang, beep buzz beep
“Hi you have just won the one million pounds lottery!!!” The whole family was so happy they had a party.
And this is how my story ends.
What do you think the moral is?
Peter Pan was racing through and pushing pirates in the sea. However when it came to battle was one Peter Pan never had before. It was so fierce it went for hours and hour and hours but, Peter Pan didn’t give up. Because the battle has been going on for so long Peter Pan had 1% of his strength left but in seconds to go he defeated Captain Hook by chopping his hand off. Captain Hook had now two Hooks for hands. Before anyone saw Peter Pan took the damsel in distress.
ReplyDeleteThese events escalated until one day Hansel and Gretel had had enough. They were constantly asked to do life threatening jobs. Gretel had gotten so ill she could barely walk, Hansel’s heart broke to his sister in this way. Night was getting nearer and nearer. Hansel lay beside Gretel watching her breathing escalate fiercely. “We can’t carry on like this!” Hansel said, looking in the air as if he was looking to grab onto something, maybe hope.
ReplyDeleteWell done I like how you described Hansel and Gretel.
DeleteNext time use more speech.
Three pairs of daunting eyes darted back at the stepmother.
ReplyDeleteAs soon as Little Red Riding Hood was a few inches away from the wolf she shot him… right on the forehead. That caused brain damage so he in the last beat of her heart. The huntsman heard gun shots and became worried, he then started to follow where the gun shots were coming from.
ReplyDeleteTen minutes later…
He finally arrived at the small cottage and unlocked the door, he then asked the unknown girl a few questions, then carried the vast wolf and dumped him in the river. Meanwhile Little Red Riding Hood rapidly sprinted to tell her mum the update!
The granny quickly and craftily tore off the rope and grabbed the deadly sabre “this is for you, you evil creature and at once she killed the tiger. The scarlet blood dispersed out of the tiger freeing little black.
ReplyDeleteWell done Jerome for putting punctuation in your paragraph
ReplyDeletenext time try and use some ellipsis to make it more dramatic or suspence
My faveourite fairy tale is little red riding hood and my favourite part is when her grandma gets eaten/when the wolf gets killed
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeletemy favourite story is the elves and the shoemaker . once upon a time, there was an old man and woman they lived in a house that was also a shoe shop . but , one day they out of leather a , with a hole load of people shouting , WHERES THE SHOES . So now they went to sleep one day then woke up and saw 9 pairs of new shoes they saw the same thing everyday but then the old man started to think , who could be doing they woke up ...BANG, they see elves on 8 of them caught on camera
My favourite bit of my favourite fairly tale ( maleficent) was when mal decided to become God and take care of Aurora and why I like this is because it shows you that even when you are known as a naturally evil person you can have a change of heart and become good again and change your reputation!
ReplyDelete